Uncle Gay Uncle!

What a cheat! First it was the board games we had on Sunday, and now it's PS2 dancing. He just couldn't take losing at dancing. Especially not losing to a lesbian *crows* - I might not be a sexy shimmier, or do a lovely lambada, but I can kick arse at the dance mat.

The pic is proof. A - Me! D - The Loser! Hell, the reason it's so blurry is that he even cheated at that! He knocked me as I took the photo "you're not putting that on your blog." Hehe - I beg to differ.

PS I must say this was despite horrendous cheating on his part. He pushed and shoved, but despite his dirty tactics I excelled. Dance Mat contact sports, the way of the future =).

PPS He threatened physical violence if I didn't include this photo of him looking 'sexy.' =p

I'm Famous!

I was just googling dykalicious and woo! the first few posts are my blog. I figured that was fair, since I made up the word. But it turns out I didn't - or at least I didn't do it first. Someone has even posted it to Urban Dictionary. I don't know whether to be sad or happy - so I'll be sappy instead. =)

This brings us to the subject of labels, something I've spent sometime thinking about. Now I'm not the most feminine of girlies. I don't wear make-up (urgh!) and am much more comfy in jeans and a t-shirt than a skirt. High-heels? Not gonna happen.

It's safe to say I'm not 'femme' or a 'lipstick lesbian.' BUT I don't consider myself butch either. I don't like the term 'soft butch' because I'm not soft - or butch, so how can I be both? The term butch, to me, seems to indicate a role as much as anything, and a certain masculinity and hardness that I just can't identify with. Androgynous doesn't fit either because that seems to denote a certain sexlessness that I'm not comfortable with.

I think, if I have to choose I'll go with 'chapstick lesbian' as coined by Ellen Degeneres. Because it's funny, casual, and cool. Like me =).

*Claims of funny, casual, and cool by this author are actually untrue. I'm going to go hang with my cat now, and eat her food because I can't be bothered cooking.

*Ah, that's right, it's the night for the razzle =). I don't have to cook. Yay!

The Cast!

A cast of thousands! Well, those that matter =p. Those I miss out will be back in other episodes =).First is Sue. Because he (yes he - read down) is cool and he's just had a baby boy (well, his wife did all the work =p). Sue is a born again Johnny Cash fan. Due to my poker playing prowess he owes me two songs. One of which will be A boy named Sue - god I love that song! Considering he's now got six kids Sue has kept his figure remarkably well. =p

Sue is married to one of the loveliest ladies I've ever met. She's cool too, with one of the grooviest tattoos I've ever seen - until it washed off =p. I'm going to call her Biker Chick because she's sweet on the outside and tough on the inside (that's how it goes isn't it?), and had a tattoo on her shoulder (albeit briefly). BC also owes me two songs, and both her and Sue are great singers. Woohoo! Her song will be these boots are made for walking. Should rock!

The last of the inaugural singing poker players club participants is Weasel Woman. Named more for her love of ferrets than her weasely ways (just one more beer...). The poker club plays for the right to humiliate each other rather than mere money. Which in WWs case is especially true due to the fact that her singing sucks chocolate balls (inside joke which I may or may not let the general public in on at some unspecified future date - oooh, suspense).

Her song will be Flagpole Sitta because it's the first Karaoke song she made me sing. You see WW loooooooves certain Karaoke songs. So she gets someone up to sing it with her and then switches her microphone off and lets them go. Weasel Woman indeed =p.

The final song will be a truet (sounds better than trio) with all three singers. Everyone will have to wait until the night to learn what the song's going to be (god, even more suspense, I can't stand it! =)).

Next to be introduced is Inappropriate Humour Man who you've all met before. He is smart, a good listener, and funny (in a way that promotes violence). He's also a terrible flirt, but mostly harmless =). I like hanging out with him. Even his kids are amusing (at a distance).

His wife I shall call plain old Inappropriate Woman, because it's not just her humour that's Inappropriate =p. She's a good friend though, and often gets to be the one that pours people home after a big night out.

I also hang out with Gay Uncle. Apart from the fact that we're both queer we don't really have that much in common. For example he's clean and neat while I'm a bit, meh, it's clean not dirty, you can get around with out tripping over, =) that'll do. He is beautiful, and is trying to convince me that I need to be more girly... o.O

Hehe! Good-luck. My mother's already tried that. I don't consider myself butch, but I really am more into jeans and shirts, etc, than skirts and make-up. There isn't enough make-up in the world to make me pretty =p. I just don't have the attitude.

The Gay Kids sometimes come around too, or I see them out or at his place. Gay Girl is the only other lesbian in town. A great looker! Pity we're not each others type really (she likes the pretty girls) and I can't help but see the kid that used to wear her hat backwards. Her best mate Gay Boy is gorgeous too. Hehe! I just realised they sound like a pair of super heroes. *voiceover* Where ever homophobia and bad dress sense are found it's Suuuuuuper Gay Kids to the rescue. "Holy pink pajamas Gay Girl. What are we to do?" =p

The Fellas are my workmates. You've been introduced to them before too. While there is another woman working with us now we're still all 'the fellas' as far as I'm concerned. They love to have a laugh, and work pretty hard, you know, considering we're (more or less) council workers =). Hey, someone has to hold the rakes up.

Apparently short, sharp, and shiny is best with blogs so I'll end this here.

To Be Continued =).


* A cast (pictured). Itchy, smelly, and awkward. But they keep you healthy. =)

Razzle Dazzle!

Tonight's the night. Yes Thursday - which means only one thing here in Bush Town (because we're a town in the bush, not because we vote Bush, because - you know - we can't in Australia, though of course Howard's the next best thing. To Bush - you know the US president. He's nowhere near as good as... *clears throat* ...nevermind. I hang out with waaaaaaay too many IHMs =p).

It's Razzle night - yay! Now some readers may be thinking 'what the hell's a Razzle?' or 'who's Razzle?' or even 'who took Taz off her medication?' But those questions'd all be wrong (well, perhaps not the people who think I should be medicated for the benifit of mankind, you may be right =p).

For, ladies and gentlebeings, the Razzle is a place! The RSL is the Razzle to my frinds and I. Now you understand what I'm talking about (A club for the Returned Serviceman's League) you're probably still scratching your head.

Why would a funny little lesbian be excited about a night out in an RSL? Do they even let non-service people in there? Let alone lesbians? Some RSLs have meals and raffles in order to raise funds. For us it's on a Thursday night. The meals are good, the company is fine, and the beer is plentiful. Plus, I sometimes win stuff =).

I need to be cheered. So far my week's been a little crap (no details, I've decided this isn't going to be that kind of blog - it's meant as a pick-me-up, for me an readers (if and when I get any) =p. Good food does that, and good company. A couple of beers doesn't hurt. Tonight there shall be plenty of all this and more (hopefully the more is prizes).

* I don't know about other RSLs but ours is pretty all inclusive - probably due to the fact that beggers can't be choosers =p. Everyone's welcome to join as a member, and has been pretty welcoming to me and my gay mates. The RSL president's wife even flirts with me... o.O ...If you'd ever met her you too would run screaming for the hills. =)

Bombed!

Funnily enough when I told my fantastic 'women are better than men' jokes to the fellas they bombed!

Though the lesbian joke I told did OK. Not as well as the one from the joke book though =(. I still think mine's funnier, though it could be that I suck at telling jokes.

From the book: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
We do taste like chicken.

Mine: Let me tell you a little story about two lesbians:

They were golfing and and they both hit their golf balls. One went to the left and the other to the right.

The first lesbian walked over to where she hit the ball and found that she'd hit it into a patch of buttercups. She continued to play golf and hit it out of the patch of buttercups. In doing so she also messed up the patch of buttercups.

A woman appeared out of nowhere and said, "I am Mother Nature, and you destroyed my buttercups. For punishment you will no longer be able to stand the taste of butter. In fact you will get very sick if you even have just a little taste." The woman disappeared just as quickly as she appeared.

A little shaken up she called to the other woman to ask "Where did your ball go?"
She said "It's over here in this patch of pussy willows."
"No! Don't hit that ball, whatever you do, don't hit that ball."

Hehe! Love that joke.

Though possibly the biggest laugh came the next day from my entirely innocent comment about loving fish and seafood. One of my co-workers just started laughing. Then the other guy did too. Cracking up, though I think that was possibly my (very slow, it took me a while to get it) reaction as well. =/ Bastards! (that's said with a grin and in love). It was funny.

I'm off to get fed at the local takeaway now. Yum! Nothing like grease after a big night out. A mate and I are starting a 'let's cut back on the drinking' pact next week, but I'm going to make the most of this hangover while I have it. It may be my last for some time. =)

Long Time No See

God I'm lazy. It's been ages since I've done much writing of any description. I'm hoping that keeping a blog will get me motivated again. I have myspace now. Don't hate me coz I'm emo. I'm afraid the make-up and eyeliner's not going to happen though, emo or no =p.

What's happened since last we spoke?' you ask? Well, lots, and also, not much. Still in the same place, doing the same thing. But now, well, I'm happy. I've come out of the closet, and gotten a handle on my life. I'm really surprised at the difference it has made to my perspective and relationships (friends, family, work, random people down the pub). And I must say It's awesome!

Tata for now.

Taz

Content? You can't handle the Content

OK *bites bullet* - this is a *drumroll* lesbian funny and cooking blog (the two go together - they will, I'll make them).

For my first post I will, errr, recycle content. This is an old joke, with the 'slob' addition added by someone off another forum, and the 'geek' addition done by me. Yes I'm a geek - well, more of a wanna be geek - but I have a blog now, that's gotta count for something =D.

Femme - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Butch - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me The butch's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Slob - Add some ramen and call it Miso Style.
Geek - Pfft, use an oven? I just use my overclocked microwave. Sure, my food explodes, but at least it's done faster than everyone else's.

Femme - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Butch- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares?
Slob - Take off glasses, clean, put back on. There you can see the computer/tv screen much better now and the headache should go away.
Geek - Adjust your earphone / mic / headset with one hand, while still chatting, surfing the web, and downloading questionable material with the other.

Femme - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Butch- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
Slob - Lick it off your t-shirt later.
Geek - Just use the icecream from your overclocked freezer. Yeah, you have to use a hammer and chisel to get it out the tub, but it's not going to melt in a hurry.
"*Arghh! brain freeze."
"Hehe - Cool, I'm gonna try that again."

Femme - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Butch- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
Slob - Let 'em grow, free potatoes in four weeks.
Geek - Potatoes? They're those things that potato chips are made from, right?

Femme - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white powdery mess on the bottom of the cake.
Butch- Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Slob - better still, just eat the cake mix raw.
Geek - did you know that you can make flour explode into a huge fireball under the right conditions... here's how.

Femme - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Butch- Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over anything, so don't do it.
Slob - the gas station down the road sells them already baked!
Geek - pi = 3.1415926535897932384626433832795

Femme - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Butch- Go ask the very HOT neighbor to do it. Even though you know that you could open it if you really wanted to.
Slob - Use tire iron to prise off lid... and eat contents with.
Geek - You have a special jar opening device for just this occasion, if only you could find it.

And finally the most important tip....

Femme- Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Butch - Leftover wine?? Hello!
Slob - Wine shmine, vodka is cheaper.
Geek - You drink caffeinated heart attack in a can, while trying to write humourous articles for your blog. ;)